It's never easy

Saying goodbye that is.  Whether someone is sick or perfectly healthy and they leave this world, it is hard to mentally prepare yourself for them passing.  My heart is heavy today.  My Nana, my mom's mom, is in bad shape and has been for a while now.  She is 78, so strong, dependable, a woman of God, my very first best friend.

The ambulance picked her up Monday evening because she was very weak and in a lot of pain.  She got put in a room on Tuesday and they ran tests.  Her sodium came back low and she was dehydrated.  She has not had an appetite and so she has not been eating regularly. 

I called her two weeks ago on August 31 and the conversation did not flow as it normally does.  I could hear the TV on in the background, so I wasn't sure if she was just paying attention to it and not me.  But it it was like pulling teeth to get her to talk to me.  After asking her if she was feeling ok she responded with "I've got nothing to complain about." I told her that it was me and she could tell me.  She gave me the same response.  I could just sense that something was not right and let my mom know.  She had called her that same day as well and got the same feedback.

Then last Wednesday I called her again, September 7th, which was my Poppa's birthday (her husband) and she was in much better spirits and told me that she did not feel well at all last week.  He passed away on March 15, 1985 due to a brain tumor and lung cancer at the age of 45, and a few months shy of my Uncle's high school graduation.  I was a little over 4 1/2 when he passed.  My parents divorced when I was still a baby, so my mom and I lived with them for a period of time until I was in first grade.  I remember my Poppa...so sweet, gentle, loving and kind.  From the stories I've heard he could never tell me no! :)

The doctors put her on some blood thinners to help the blood flow since her heart is not in good condition, but is inoperable we've been told due to her health.  She also has terrible arthritis all over her body, specifically in her back.  She has been in a lot of pain for a long time.  The plan is for her to go to a nursing home/rehab facility this afternoon to build up her strength since she is unable to walk at this point and has lost use of her muscles.  When my Uncle Randy told her this she was not excited about going there and told him that she was just tired.  :(  She said that she is in pain everyday and is tired.  She has always been so strong and a fighter, so hearing this just breaks me.  I know it must be bad for her to get to this point.

I have so many emotions right now.  She has been living without her husband for 26 years and I'm sure she is ready to be reunited with him.  And living in pain is no fun at all.  Then on the other hand I am selfish and want her to remain here with us.  She was so vital to me growing up and becoming who I am today, that I want my kids to experience that as well.  And ultimately I want God's will for her. 

From the end of the earth will I cry unto thee, when my heart is overwhelmed:

lead me to the rock that is higher than I.  Psalm 61:2

I had a heart to heart conversation with her when she was hospitalized a few months ago regarding her faith and I'm so glad I did.  I was reassured where her faith resides: Jesus Christ.  Such a blessing to hear that.  I was not questioning her belief system, but wanted to hear with my own ears her dependence on Him.

After talking with my mom this afternoon, I hopped in the shower (and was alone) and it really hit me, the reality of the situation.  Made me also realize how short this life on earth is and that God is our only hope and needs to be our only refuge at all times. 

I told Jase that Nana was not doing well at all and that she was in pain.  We had a good conversation about dying and leaving this earth.  He asked about all her stuff and I told him that she doesn't take it with her, but the family will have to figure out what to do with it.  Then he asked about when he dies and his house and we talked about him getting older and getting married and having kids and he added "and grandkids".  :)  I finished up the conversation with that's why we need to put our trust and faith in Jesus and he said "I believe in Jesus."  Melted my heart and praise God for this.

If you're still with me...thanks for sticking around.  I feel a lot better after writing all of this down.  May God continue to be with Nana.


4 Generations - Thanksgiving 2010