Brave

I've had some things laying heavy on my heart lately and have had "small talk" blogging on hold. I feel like I need to post this, so I can keep on keepin' on.

Shawn ordered this necklace for me a couple of weeks ago in celebration of me signing up for the half marathon. He was very excited and proud of me for doing this. Well, the order took a little longer to come in and it finally arrived last week. *brave*

From the time he placed the order to the actual delivery date, things have changed quite a bit around here. I'll just come out and say it...we found out that we were expecting. Completely caught off guard, but really excited. Needless to say the marathon went on the back burner. Now I know what you're thinking "pregnant people run marathons all the time." Well, I'm not one of those people! Haha! I was running before I got pregnant with Finn and was suggested by my doctor to take it easy the first trimester, so I was following the same orders with this one.

So, the brave necklace took on another meaning at this point. I was going to be brave with a new baby on the way. Immediately, we started thinking about a boy or girl and names. It was very surreal to me; to think I was going to be a mommy again. We were getting ready for a garage sale last week and I started going through Ally's old clothes {and I had already designated them to garage sale} and while lifting outfits out of the bag, I just could not let them go. They are not designer clothes by any means, but they have memories and to think that maybe a little sister might wear them warmed my heart. Anyway, it was starting to become real that I was making bones.

On Sunday things started to change a bit. I started to pass some blood, which scared me quite a bit. {Especially since my miscarriage before I had Ally started like this.} I called the on-call number for my doctor's office and was told to go to ER at Woman's Hospital of Texas. At this point, we really hadn't said much at all. I was still very early along. But, since we needed help with the kids and I was going to the hospital, it was probably time to mention something. Definitely not the way I had planned on letting the family and kids know.

{By the way, this could be a lengthy post!} We were there for nearly 3 hours and well taken care of. I had blood drawn, an exam and an ultrasound. The final result from the visit was that the baby was measuring pretty small and my hormone levels {hCG not progesterone} were lower than normal {555}. After the visit, I did not feel like things were very positive. We continued to pray and pray and ask that the Lord take care of me and ask that the Lord do what is best for the baby.

My doctor was given the report from the ER doctor and I saw my doctor on Monday afternoon. He confirmed via ultrasound that I was indeed pregnant. Now, he did confirm that the baby was measuring 4.3 weeks, while I was 6 weeks. He said this could be an issue or could be fine, depending upon how long it took the implantation process and this could be one of the reasons why due dates are off a week or so. I was taking this as good news. He could not tell where the bleeding was coming from, but was hoping it was below my cervix. The plan was to do blood work and monitor my hCG levels and follow up next week with another ultrasound. I was also to begin taking progesterone hormone and a baby aspirin a day. I have done a little research {google LOL} on the baby aspirin and a lot of pregnant women who have experienced miscarriages in the past and/or are bleeding are recommended to take this. Some of the comments I have read were very interesting and there were additional reasons my doctor said as to why they have prescribed this to people.

My blood work came back and my hCG level was 840, which was higher, but still low on average. I continued to bleed Tuesday through today. I started to hear stories of people who had their cycle while still being pregnant. At this point, I wasn't sure if that was happening to me or what was going on. I tried to remain positive and continue to pray for strength. The brave necklace has taken on a new meaning this week. At one point this week, Shawn and I hugged and he said "who would have thought this necklace would have been for this situation." The Lord knew for sure.

I went in yesterday morning for more blood work to monitor my hormone level. By this time, Dr. Anding was hoping it would have doubled in number. Waiting all day for these results seemed to take forever. I called twice and spoke to the nurse and she was polite, but basically told me "don't call us, we'll call you."  Haha! About 4:30 she called me with the news. My hCG levels have dropped to 623. That news, along with the bleeding and the small measurement ultrasound, meant that the baby was not thriving and not looking to survive. Tears were shed.

If I'm being completely honest, this week has been an emotional roller coaster. Things weren't looking so good, then a glimmer of hope, then down again. Deep down I know the Lord has a bigger plan than me. He knew that this baby was not developing to His perfection and I am trusting that He decided to take the baby now instead of later. One thing that makes me smile {and cry a little} is that this little one already has a brother/sister waiting on him/her as soon as they enter heaven. #blessing

We explained it to the kids today, and I think Jase understands, but Ally not so much. She told us that she wants a the little baby to come out and she wants it to be a sister! Sweet girl. So, I'm sure Ally will still be telling people that I have a baby in my tummy. Although I will say, I look like I probably now have a baby in my tummy...my eating habits these past two weeks have been pretty bad. Shawn and I said we are getting back on track next week! Ha! 

Here's to moving forward and being BRAVE. So thankful to have been this baby's mommy for 2 weeks. Can't wait to meet you in heaven one day.

These old verses now take on a new meaning and are dear to my heart.

You knit me together in my mother's womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Psalm 139:13-14

Trust in the Lord with all thine heart; and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Proverbs 3:5-6